she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
