There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
