that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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