I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
