Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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