i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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