You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I will be naked everywhere
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
