By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sext me about skeletons
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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