If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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