i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
