I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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