Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
