Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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