eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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