I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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