I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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