if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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