He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
