the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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