i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
