Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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