Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
