I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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