I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
3pm strippers are depressing
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
