if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
