this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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