you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
