I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
