Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
