i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm like, not good at living.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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