Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
