i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
