Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Randomize
