I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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