Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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