There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
