i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize