My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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