there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
