Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize