im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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