I can text with my tongue
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize