She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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