Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
