hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
