It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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