i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
