he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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