this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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