Already got asked if we're dating
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
