today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
