can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Success! We fucked roommates!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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