Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize