I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
