you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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