Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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