Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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