According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
