Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize