If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
